Out the closet, inside the house.

I may be outside of the closet but I’m still not completely comfortable… I guess part of it is because my parents still choose to hide my sexuality as much as possible (that or they choose not to acknowledge it at all) which affects me more than they think. Another reason would be because of the social norm and the environment I’m in. When people automatically assume I’m straight, it makes it harder for me to be more honest and open. I don’t know. Some people may be able to blurt it out easily but I find it harder to do.

Sigh. As I said, I’m fine with being in the closet but only in my own terms. I hate being pushed back in the closet by other people, be it intentional or not. It’s like I may be outside the closet but I’m still locked at home…

The troubles of a receptionist

In my current job I sometimes get asked to man the reception area when the help desk operator has to leave the office. I actually enjoy doing so since I get to loaf around and answer phone calls (which is more fun than my actual job).

The thing is, for obvious reasons, I’m required to answer the phone with a formal introduction in English. Most of the time, people don’t recognize my being a Filipino but I them. Am I being pretentious by continuing to speak in English? Should I acknowledge their nationality as they would mine if they figure out I’m a Filipino too? (which they sometimes do as I usually lose the accent when I realize they’re Filipino) Sometimes you just know that they know you’re a Filipino and they know you know they are as well. But you both continue to speak in English, being conyo as fuck. And it just feels… weird.

How do you say “how may I help you?” without sounding arrogant to a fellow Filipino? I feel like they feel forced to use fancy English and are silently judging me across the line. Pricks.

I write when I’m bored

A friend of mine recently told me that I had a lot of posts for the month of January alone. I myself didn’t think I would be posting this much.

Well, I recently keep finding myself with a lot of free time at work. Add that with boredom and poof, you get an active blogger!

I’m bored…

Sorry I’m Sick.

Ever since my dad got sick my mom would always go on about how I’m not allowed to get sick. You’d think she was concerned right? But she never fails to explain why..

I’m not allowed to add to her problems because she’s busy tending to my father. I’m not allowed to make her worry because she’s already focused on my dad. I’m not allowed to add to the expenses. I’m not allowed to be sick lest I infect my father since his body is defenseless when it underwent chemotherapy. I’m not allowed to be sick.

I don’t blame my mom or dad for it. I mean, I know my dad never wanted to be sick as much as he wanted a homosexual son right? And I know my mom is doing her best.

I just hate how she words it. And she knows how she’s wording it. She knows how to put it in ways she knows would make me feel guilty even if I much as think about opposing her and not just when it came to getting sick.

I guess the feelings came flooding back when my mom called to check up on me (because as it happens, I am currently sick) to remind me how I’m “not allowed to get sick”.

Sorry.

Sorry I’m sick.

Being around old acquaintances

I still feel uneasy around most of my highschool friends. I guess part of that comes from the fact that I’m not out with those group of people yet. During highschool I found myself being more comfortable with girls with a few exceptions. I guess I just didn’t fit in with the “guys”. The ones where novels would describe as jocks, bullies, or the cool guys. During my years in college however, I found myself being able to fit in just right in any social group. I even got myself to do things outside my comfort zone such as being the student council president which required me to socialize quite a bit and require myself to be known in the campus. I guess people are right when they say people care less in college and it’s easier to mingle there. I just can’t believe that I shrink back into my shell whenever I’m around my highschool peers. You’d think that my experiences in college would allow me to be more comfortable around people– these people (no offense to them). I find myself being the fat, socially awkward, pre-pubescent teen I was years ago whenever I’m with them.

Stupid insecurities.

P.S. Jeez, post titles are hard to think of.

A rant on my relations

Friendships have come and gone for me, Having to move back and forth between the Philippines and Qatar and all that. And it’s happening again. It took a while for me to make true friends in the Philippines and I wasn’t given a lot of time to work on those either. Now I’m back in Qatar,  andafter 4 or 5 years, my old friends are distant as ever. And I sure as hell won’t make a bunch of new ones at work. Makes me think about how much I miss something like a brother I never had.

Who’s the girl?

When people find out you’re gay, a lot of things can go wrong. And just when you think it can’t get any worse with all the negativity coming your way, it actually does. Though technically at that point you’d already be immune but even that won’t stop you from being a little ticked off.

So how can it get worse you ask? Ignorance (which is obviously the root of all the negativity anyways so there’s no surprise there).

I might not be speaking for everyone regarding this experience but I’m sure it’s common enough to permit me to rant about it. When you let it be known that you’re in a relationship, this question will almost always come up. “So, who’s the girl (or boy) in the relationship?”. And in my head I always answer “hold on, let me check if one of us finally grew a vagina. Nope. Still a dick. Let me get back to you in a month”.

Let me tell you, it isn’t simply a matter of who’s the “pitcher” and who’s the “catcher” (if you get my drift) that shows who’s dominant and submissive in a relationship. And for the most part, it’s almost never just one-way unless it’s the way they want it.

In essence, I guess what I’m saying is, don’t go asking or assuming unless you’re ready for a horrifyingly detailed answer.

In the same way that a gay person is different from a straight person, the same goes for their relationships. Though a homosexual relationship contains all the bitter-sweet romance that’s in a “normal” relationship, it’s also very different. And it’s not like we have daily role models to look up to for tips on it so we can’t really explain it ourselves until we’ve had our own share of experiences (even I was confused at first on who was going to pay for dinner on the first date). But regarding gender roles? We’re the same gender. That’s that. Plain and simple.

Knowing who’s more dominant and submissive shouldn’t affect one’s image the same way how a man’s masculinity doesn’t diminish under the dominance of his wife.

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