Out the closet, inside the house.

I may be outside of the closet but I’m still not completely comfortable… I guess part of it is because my parents still choose to hide my sexuality as much as possible (that or they choose not to acknowledge it at all) which affects me more than they think. Another reason would be because of the social norm and the environment I’m in. When people automatically assume I’m straight, it makes it harder for me to be more honest and open. I don’t know. Some people may be able to blurt it out easily but I find it harder to do.

Sigh. As I said, I’m fine with being in the closet but only in my own terms. I hate being pushed back in the closet by other people, be it intentional or not. It’s like I may be outside the closet but I’m still locked at home…

Wet dreams

So you’re confused and scared because in your dreams, you’re not getting it on with the opposite gender?

Relax. That doesn’t always mean something. Sometimes I dream about girls too. But when I wake up, I’m back to normal.

But hey, if you do turn out to be a homosexual, then by all means, let me welcome you. There’s a chance it might be a harsh road ahead for you, but I swear it’s also fun.

Make fun of me

If you can joke about it, then it’s not that big of a deal anymore.

Being able to joke about something usually shows that “you’ve moved on” or something isn’t as “heavy” or serious as it was before. I can state it in many ways but all in all it’s just a good feeling to be laughing about something that used to be a burden on my chest.

It’s different for everyone, but for me, it’s about my sexuality. Thank God for the abundance of older sisters. You see, they don’t just make jokes, they mock me about it. They tease me and make fun of me most of the time. And… it… well, it just feels great. Weird? Not really. It proves how “normal” the situation is for them. I’m not getting any special treatment from them any more than when they thought I was straight. I’m not their “annoying gay brother”. I’m just their annoying brother who loves them for all their quirks and crazy mood swings (in spite of it).

I love them so much. Not just my sisters; All of them. They’re one of the best things I have in my life, asides from my friends and generous parents of course. Yes mom and dad. I love you too despite the contradicting posts here.


Do understand that when I post, it’s usually to rant or something like that. So I probably haven’t given my parents any justice and God knows that they’re great parents, just with their own stereotypical parent personalities. Like my mom once told me, “if your child hasn’t said ‘I hate you!’ to you, then you’re not doing your job right”. It’s paraphrased but you get the general idea.

Hindsight

A few years ago, I never thought I’d ever be in a relationship. I guess I thought it was just impossible to find someone “like me”. I know there are a lot of us out there despite being in the minority of the population but hey, I was young and closeted so I never really “saw the light”.

Being what I am, I have my own distinct tastes. I’m not into flamboyant men; No judgement here, they’re just not my type. So that’s kind of one of the problems. I can never really tell if someone would be in to me since at that age, they would most probably be in the closet like me. Those that aren’t are– you guessed it– usually flamboyant and/or “queens” as people would call them. Cross-dressers and what not. Again, I’m not against them or anything. I’m just not in to them.

But despite being inexperienced back then, I was sensitive (I guess it comes with the genes) and thoughtful and a good listener. I managed to give relationship advice to my straight friends whenever they needed it. I was great with girls too! (go figure. But no, I didn’t have girlfriends) Being that way made me think that I would make a great boyfriend and that I was ready to handle a serious relationship. That I was mature enough and would be able to make good decisions despite the common belief that it’s almost impossible to juggle school, family, friends and romance. But I still believed that I was a special exception to this rule.

Boy, was I wrong. About what? Well, to put it bluntly, I was wrong about everything. Turns out, there were quite a few in our school that were like me, some better hidden than others. And I finally got in my first ever serious relationship, which by then, I already deemed impossible. At first it was great and I was still doing great with my studies. But little did I know that everything would become such a mess. I don’t want to go into any details but let’s just say that by the end of the relationship, things were kind of messy. It wasn’t a disaster per se, I guess I was just young and immature. I still am but at least I have some experience in my pocket now. I know some of the dos and don’ts.

During my relationship I really did have a hard time concentrating on other things. My grades suffered a bit, my extra curricular activities, my relationship with friends and… well, my relationship with my family was already in shambles after coming out so that’s not really an issue. It was really hard to balance everything. By graduation I still managed to get a Latin Honor (yes I’m bragging a bit now :]) but my average wasn’t as high as I wanted it to be. Summa Cum Laude was just a few points away too… (Still bragging yes)

So what am I trying to say with this long blog? I don’t know. I’m just writing out my thoughts. Were you expecting a moral t the story? Well, first, in hindsight, you shouldn’t rush into relationships. And don’t lose contact with your friends. They’re the ones that will be picking you up after the mess.

And don’t eat too much. Being in a relationship can really get you fat without you noticing. That fucks you up bad.

Who’s the girl?

When people find out you’re gay, a lot of things can go wrong. And just when you think it can’t get any worse with all the negativity coming your way, it actually does. Though technically at that point you’d already be immune but even that won’t stop you from being a little ticked off.

So how can it get worse you ask? Ignorance (which is obviously the root of all the negativity anyways so there’s no surprise there).

I might not be speaking for everyone regarding this experience but I’m sure it’s common enough to permit me to rant about it. When you let it be known that you’re in a relationship, this question will almost always come up. “So, who’s the girl (or boy) in the relationship?”. And in my head I always answer “hold on, let me check if one of us finally grew a vagina. Nope. Still a dick. Let me get back to you in a month”.

Let me tell you, it isn’t simply a matter of who’s the “pitcher” and who’s the “catcher” (if you get my drift) that shows who’s dominant and submissive in a relationship. And for the most part, it’s almost never just one-way unless it’s the way they want it.

In essence, I guess what I’m saying is, don’t go asking or assuming unless you’re ready for a horrifyingly detailed answer.

In the same way that a gay person is different from a straight person, the same goes for their relationships. Though a homosexual relationship contains all the bitter-sweet romance that’s in a “normal” relationship, it’s also very different. And it’s not like we have daily role models to look up to for tips on it so we can’t really explain it ourselves until we’ve had our own share of experiences (even I was confused at first on who was going to pay for dinner on the first date). But regarding gender roles? We’re the same gender. That’s that. Plain and simple.

Knowing who’s more dominant and submissive shouldn’t affect one’s image the same way how a man’s masculinity doesn’t diminish under the dominance of his wife.

Realization

I should probably try to stay away from posting here at night. Most of my posts have been total downers. My bad.

I had a realization that I should probably sit my parents down and have a serious conversation with them. Because let’s face it, when you are what I am, the roles switch regarding the Birds and the Bees talk. But not literally the birds in the bees talk; it’s just that people can be really ignorant about the topic. Also I might have to be firm with them this time considering the last time we actually talked I just kept mum and agreed to everything they said. Now I have to stand my ground. I gave them two years to let things sink. That’s more than enough right?

I’m getting pretty tired of them pretending that I’m something I’m not especially in front of others. It makes me feel like they’re ashamed of me. Which actually affects me more than they think. Because it also lowers how I view myself. Subconsciously, it also makes me ashamed of myself when I shouldn’t be.

I shouldn’t be…

Comparing and Why It Doesn’t Make Sense

I’m sure a lot of people have experienced being told something along the lines of “someone else in the world is having it worse than you”. It’s almost never phrased that way but that’s basically what it means.

-Finish your food, a lot of people are starving out there.
-Hey, at least you have a house to live in.
-Your life isn’t as bad as it sounds.

Look, just because someone else is having it worse, doesn’t mean our(my) life doesn’t suck. You can’t use that as an excuse to make us feel guilty for feeling bad. Everyone is experiencing things their own way so you can’t dictate how a person can feel. And you shouldn’t. You can try to make them feel better like a good friend but definitely not this way.

Modeling

Wow. Posing for pictures is hard. I only have so many poses and facial expressions. Props to professional models. It takes a lot to be considered a “professional” one.

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