Run.

The feeling of dread creeps in. Inexplicable, but you can sense its arrival. It’s coming. The timing is bad, almost too perfect. With nowhere to run, all that’s left is to run– literally. Pray for the escape caused by reactions within your body. Yes. Fatigue is more preferrable than whatever is about to come. Run. Run, lest it settles and nests within.

Ironic, how during these times, your only escape is in your own mind. Yet it is precisely the place you must flee. Go. Outside. Outside, the stars look down at you; Sparse lights, illuminate with their pale glow. The melancholy of the night embraces as the cool wind slaps you into reality.

Run.

The moon shines bright tonight.

Help.

I’m drowning.

I need to get out.

Bad timing for the quarantine to happen.

Or perhaps I’m misplacing the effect from causation.

A passing thought

I wonder if that was all just for formality though. Was all of that just to make me feel better?

I’m sorry. That isn’t on anyone else anymore. It’s just my normal state to overthink. That maybe I’m just unlikeable and some people are just too nice to say it. So instead, clichés are used to make it less painful.

Closure.

A little bit.

I miss you.

As I move my hands to make a pinching motion. I gesture, “I miss you this much”.

I miss you a little.

People often try to catch others in a lie. But what makes it easier to lie, is to find a loophole in that lie, which makes it the truth.

I miss you this much.

But in that small space, invisible to the naked eye, there is a world in there that exists. Contained in it’s own universe, outside the reach of the cosmos. From it’s own perspective, we are the cosmos, and in it, it’s own world. A universe so big, a step in our shoes is comparable to travelling galaxies.

I shrug. Yeah, I miss you.

But just a little bit. Just this much.

Happy Crushes

It might be irrelevant to some. It might be a miniscule detail in their lives. Some might even say it’s not worth mentioning. But for me, I’m grateful for my happy crushes. It’s weird but they do make an impact in my life. And no matter how small, I’m thankful for that.

Negativity kills

My mom was talking toy sister and she was like, “if we’re still here by December, maybe we can visit Qatar”. The sentence striked me as odd so I asked “why are you talking that way?”

“you never know what’ll happen before then”

“so you think we might all die because of ncov?”

And she just shrugged approvingly and repeated her statement.

I don’t know why but that pissed me off. All my life I’ve known her to be an extremely pessimistic person and it’s why she’s really toxic to be around with when she’s letting stress override her brain. But this is just beyond that. It’s as if she expects all of us, including my 3 year old nephew, to die soon.

What the —- mom. That’s not supposed to come from you? Why? And sometimes she wonders why I’ve been distant for a long time… The negativity is simply too much. Some days I…

I’m not even going to finish the thought anymore…

Aimless. Passionless. I don’t know what to do. Or maybe I do. But I can’t physically force myself to take action.

I’m feel useless.

Maybr when I die I can meet my past Dogs. Silver lining I guess.

I hope I’m not allergic to them anymore.

Will they still love me after all that time..?

I wasn’t always the best owner though…

The shallows

What do I do from here?

I don’t know. If I was giving advice to someone else in the same situation I guess I’d be saying the usual clichés…

Enjoy the moment

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst

Try not to invest too much when you don’t have any assurances yet

Build a strong foundation

Start as friends and see where it goes


Hay… This is complicated. I wish I could talk to you more openly.

I want to get to know you better. On a deeper level; Whatever lies beneath our conversations. But for now, I stay mesmerized by the ripples on the surface. Only to stare at your reflection when the water stays silent.

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