I can’t even play anymore…
I feel detached.. from my family and friends– from the world.
But wait… That doesn’t sound completely true. Like a skewed version of reality, it’s more of the other way around. The people around me are the ones slowly distancing themselves?
Wait. Please wait. I just need time. I can be me again. Whatever that is.. whatever part of me you knew that made you happy. The me that made you smile. That version of me that made you enjoy my company..
Please wait… I’m just relapsing.. I’ve been having bad days. I’ve been anxious and depressed. Lazilly procrastinating each day away while the fear of what needs to be done creeps at the back of my mind.
Wait, I’m sorry. I’ll stop. I won’t talk that way again. It’s boring and sad I know. I’ll stop. Let’s talk about happy things instead. Please stay. What? You’re going somewhere? Oh… I think I’ll stay home..
No, I’m not flaking again. I… Well, I am… But, I just don’t have the energy. How come I can play sports every night? But that’s different… It’s my escape. No, you guys are too, but… I’d love to ask you guys to come with me and watch me play, but I don’t want to waste your time… You might get bored.. what? I should just spend time with you instead? I can’t… I can’t give this up. Please don’t make me choose. Please stay.
Oh.. okay.. yeah I understand… Really, I do. You found better people… During my absence I guess I won’t be missed for too long. Don’t worry, I really understand. I’m already on my way to play…
Alone in a court full of people.
Soon I’m going to have to get surgery done on my right shoulder… I’ll have to rest for a long while before I can resume my regular physical activities.
The thought makes me fear what will happen to me during those months without my regular escape from life. How will I keep living with that sedentary lifestyle..? Will I be able to put up with it for almost a year? What will happen when I get back to playing? Will I have to start over? Will I ever be able to play the way I used to? Will I still have the potential to improve?
Sigh… Why did I have to get this surgery…
Some days I just can’t find it in me to relax. To be happy. There’s always something at the back of my mind that tells me I should be anxious of something. Even when I’ve done my due diligence. Or perhaps I’ve just been so used to being stressed and anxious that when I really do get a legit amount of “free time”, I still feel like it’s unmerited. Like I should still be doing something else.
Why do I even bother going through all this anyways… Who am I trying to impress? My family? The people around me? Maybe I’m just trying to impress myself. So that I can feel like I’ve amounted to something worthy of being called alive.