I hate festive holidays… That and other festivities like my birthday. Celebrations are usually draining. You have to be energetic, loud, and joyful due to societal norms. I actually preferred the recent Christmas celebration where we didn’t celebrate or anything. It was quiet and peaceful albeit it did make aloneness more apparent– so also a bit sad and lonely. But yeah, I usually end up using up all my energy trying to stay “festive”.

Wish me luck. New Year is a couple of hours away. Ugh. The noise, the shouting, the countdown, and toss in the localized version of New Year traditions e.g. throwing coins, jumping, etc.

I can’t give myself any downtime. Not during the holidays. Not when things are calm and peaceful… Because in contrast, that’s when I start losing it internally.

Even if I become idle for just a minute, everything comes flooding in. My head is a mess, a turmoil of turbulent emotions that I can’t supress.

All I can do is keep finding something for myself to do. Keep myself busy. Until I tire myself out for the day…

Only to know that tomorrow is simply a replay of yesterday’s chaos.

Darkness is merely the absence of Light

In the presence of light, everything in the dark is vague and obscured. But admist the dark, everything else is clear.

Maybe that’s why I find it so alluring. Within the light, the darkness around it seems eerie; sinister even. But in the dark, the light in the distance is captivating.

I wonder if the same is true for Life and Death. Just as the dark is always there, only kept away by the presence of light, perhaps death is something I needn’t fear…

But I fear that the day death ceases to terrify me… is the day I gain the confidence to end Life.

Sparks of Light

Stuck in my head these days, living out fantasies that I know will remain to be what they are. Fantasies. Dreams.

A figment of my imagination.

I know I’ve lost the will to be passionate. Days pass by and I simply move forward, living it but not living at all. At wordt, the things I look forward to become mundane as well.

But there are good days. Days when I feel a little spark. Not big enough to motivate me, but enough to move me to do something. Ah but it never stays lit.

Like a matchstick against the wind, it’s just a question of wether the wind extinguishes the flames first or it runs out on its own.

I don’t know what’s missing. I don’t know how to get it back. Or what to get back. I simply know that being alive isn’t the best right now. I’ve lost the will to do anything..

Sleepless Boy

Capo on 2nd

Em                   C                                 G                               Am
A broken angel roaming the night, aimlessly walking seeking the light
Em                             C                                G                     Am
Betrayed by the ones he loved the most Disregarded, and left alone
Em                                     C                                         G                                       Am
The smile on your face, the passion in your eyes replaced by the void, that fills you inside
C                    G                   Am                                 F
Everyday is in repeat. a mixture of work and sleep
C                        G                                    Am                               F
Earphones in, ignore the world, pretend as if nothing exists

C                             G                      Am                                    F
For all you can see is darkness but there will be sparks of light
C                                                       G                   Am                                  F
And what you’re made up of is kindness. A star that stays shining bright

Am                                     G                         F                                     C-G
All we can hope for is a rainbow from every storm that may come
C                                                    G                                     F                                    G          C
I’ll always be here through your ups and downs til the sun rises and the rain is gone
Oh sleepless boy

Em                                C                                    G                       Am
The weight of the world, heavy on your chest. Isolation, has become your escape
Em                                    G                    Dm                                         Am
Haunting yourself, the way you do, staying up through the night
Em                                    G                                      Dm                                 C
Whiskey and beer, the vices you choose, whatever helps you forget
C                                 G                                     Am                                          F
When nights are endless, things seem hopeless filled with tears that won’t drop
C      G                        Am                   F
Oh, sleepless boy I pray for your pains to stop
For all you can see is darkness but there will be sparks of light

And what you’re made up of is kindness a star that stays shining bright

All we can hope for is a rainbow from every storm that may come

We’ll always be here through your ups and downs Til the sun arises and the rain is gone

I can’t promise tomorrow, but I promise this friendship

things will get better, better with time

You may not like existing right now, but people are happy you are

Oh, sleepless boy, I know I’m happy you are

Oh, sleepless boy, I know I’m happy you are


High on Lows

I should stop getting nic high. Based on current findings, I really do get sad whenever I’m nic high. Especially when I’m alone.

Filled with Emptiness

Triggered by my emotions, I write. Irony at its finest. As I feel empty, I try fill these blank pages with words. Words I pray can help me express these scattered thoughts.

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