I guess it does hurt after all…

But I have no right to this feeling. Is this what I really wanted? I don’t know… maybe.. subconsciously.. I had my own expectations.

Being straightforward is a double edged sword after all.

I was daydreaming last night… of a bridge… during night time… over running water that you can’t see from the dark. And I was standing on the edge. And someone pushed me.

Tonight as I was driving home, I saw an exact replica of the place I daydreamed about.

Bursting at the seams

I’m sad all the time.

I’m angry all the time.

I’m lonely sometimes.

I don’t want to be this way.

I pray. I apologize. I ask for forgiveness. But it keeps happening. It still happens. I feel like a hypocrite. A bad person. I have a good life so why do I feel this way?

I feel nothing sometimes…

It’s starting to hurt.

I don’t know why. Sudden bursts of inexplicable emotions. I can’t explain what’s causing them.

It just hurts.

I need to get out.

I should go out and play… sigh

Regrets

Today I went to my college best friend’s bridal shower. After the small social gathering, a friend of mine who was at the event with me was supposedly going to sleep over. But as we were going home she apologized as she told me that she intended to go home instead. Upon hearing this I told her that it was fine and she didn’t need to apologize. I even wanted to offer her a ride home so that we could chat some more along the way since we rarely see each other. But before I could finish, she told me it would be okay for her to hang out for a while at my place then she could just go home at a later time. Which was even better since we could keep talking for a while.

Skipping to the important details, at around 10pm, she received a text message from her mom asking her to come home quickly, implying that something was wrong with her dad. We immediately understood and I offered to drive her, to which she agreed a while later. I told her to tell her mom to wait outside her house in case we needed to rush her dad to the hospital. Upon arriving at her place, she asked me if I wanted to go inside. The tone of her voice suggested that she might need help, so I did. Reading the situation, I guessed that they needed help carrying his father to the car. I went to the bedroom to carry his dad over to my car and we drove to the ER. But to no avail… There was nothing they could do.

Now I’m stuck here thinking… What if I didn’t invite her over..? What if I just kept my mouth shut and let her go home… Even if her dad did pass, at least she would have gotten home in time…

This is selfish thinking I know. I shouldn’t make this about me. And I’m not. I apologized to her and she doesn’t blame me. She thanked me for all the help as well. I just… What if..?

I witnessed another father pass away again… In a similar manner to mine. I didn’t make it to see my dad pass away. I arrived late… Did I cause it to happen to someone else too..?

But this isn’t about me. It shouldn’t be. But… I just want to say I’m sorry. Thank you for the time you spent bonding with me. I just wish I didn’t take that moment away from you. And that’s why I’m sorry. I really am. I hope you don’t hate me for it…

My darkness, my peace, and I

I crave for the night. Not for the sweet embrace of slumber nor the buzzing festivities of the night life.

Just the peace that comes with it. Isolation. An emptiness that demands nothing of you.

A temporary escape from life before a new day begins.

I feel detached.

From everyone and everything. I don’t feel like talking, chatting, or socializing.

I don’t feel like doing or being anything.

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