I don’t get to sleep a lot anymore. And I don’t get to do what I want at night.
I’m not complaining. I’m not ranting. I’m most certainly not blaming anyone. I just need to share this.
Usually when I get home from work I do whatever I want at night. Basically just relaxing and de-stressing. Now I immediately go to my dad’s room and begin my “watch”. Up until past midnight. As long as my sleepy eyes would let me, I’d watch over my dad so my mom could get some rest.
I feel bad for my mom. She does this for hours. I do it at night. Although my dad doesn’t really sleep. He’s restless all the time. I can only imagine how hard it must be for my mom, doing this four hours everyday. It makes me feel guilty. Because sometimes I want to get out. Sometimes I want to have fun again. Sometimes I would get home kate on purpose. 9pm. Because I’m too depressed to take care of my dad. But when I do take over, my mom would thank me. She would audibly whisper “thank God I can finally sleep…”. I can hear the fatigue in her voice. Within seconds she’d be asleep. And all the guilt in the world would wash over me. If only I weny home earlier. Things like that.
My mom would ask me if I would watch over my dad the coming night so she could sleep. She didn’t use to. She doesn’t like forcing me to help. She knows how hard things have been for me too. But now she does. I know her. She really needs all the help she can get now. And she’s exhausted. This isn’t how life should be for her. I want her to run out of things to be sad about… sigh… random thoughts…i…
I don’t know again. I rarely write coherently now. Well, I only get the time when Im at home. Currently watching over my dad.