I wish I could enter a phase in my life where I am truly at peace.

Alive hopefully.

Tired of what life has become. Fearfull of what it might be. Longing for what was.

A toxic cycle, interrupted by gaps of happiness.

I feel like dettaching.

A farce. I keep trying to strive for a reason to stay… But it seems pointless.

I feel like I’ve lost a friend… Perhaps more. Ones that I treasure. Maybe I’m just the toxic one. No, not maybe. I know I can be toxic. But I try. I really try to be a great friend whenever I am capable.

I listen. I give advice (when asked for). I give my time and sincere sympathies. I empathize even. But I stay strong for them. I become optimistic when they aren’t able. I provide a shoulder to lean on, both in a metaphorical and literal sense.

I exert effort. I shower them with whatever form of love I can muster. I think of them when I shop. I remember their favorites, their likes, and their dislikes. What I have, I love to share. And I won’t use that against them.

I am present. I love being there for them. I spend time with them when I am able. I like their company, even digitally.

But.. all these can be translated from a negative perspective.

Maybe I’m too clingy. Their world will not revolve around me. They will get tired of me if there’s too much of me present.

Maybe I give too much. I expend too much time, effort, and resources. Maybe the way I feel about them isn’t the same way they feel about me. No, I’m not saying they hate me. But I make my friends my world knowing I can’t be theirs.

I’m only their friend. I expect too much.

I’m lonely.

Maybe I’m more of a bad person than I thought and I’m just paying my dues slowly.

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