I’ve stopped trying

On the outside it looks like I’m doing my best. Working hard on my activities despite the enormous amount of stress it gives. Struggling with the anxiety and all my other turbulent emotions. Coping with the weight of the world on my shoulders when I know full well it’s nothing compared to what my family is going through. The sacrifices they’re making is incomparable. I’ve simply found an excuse that has a heavy-looking exterior. But from the inside, you can see that I’m simply useless.

Friends may disagree. The great ones will always do their best to validate my feelings. Others may try to encourage me while some are frank but with good intentions to motivate me. They do this because I always try my best to be a good friend. And they do their best to reciprocate.

But whatever people say or think will never change the facts.

Some people may think that I’m still fighting. I put up an act of making a great effort. But the stress is real. My God the stress is real. But it’s not always founded on legitimate reasons. Some days I just get random bouts of depression. Regardless of though, I know I should be doing more. I should be doing better. But I’m not. Some days I give the bare minimum. I think of more excuses to deceive myself and others that I’m able to be a functioning member of society. That I’m able to be a decent building block to keep the family foundation strong and stable. But I’m not. I’ve lodt hope that I ever will.

So what am I doing?

I’m buying time. I’m waiting to see that the pillars of this home is strong enough without me. Despite the fact that I’m a burden to this world, I’m still needed even if just as a support to keep things standing. These walls are strong and with my presence it’s even stronger. But only because of simply existing.

Someday they can be strong without me as well. All I’m doing is buying time.

And then…

Some days I feel like I’ve learned enough to stop making mistakes.

Then days like these come and I make stupid mistakes again.

And I begin to lose hope in myself. Why do I keep making stupid mistakes..?

I know why I sleep so late. I know I talk about how I love the night. How it’s wuiet and peaceful, a time where I have everything to myself. Cold peaceful nights where I’m alone in my room with my phone to accompany me. And some nights I do feel like an insomniac when I do want to sleep but I really just can’t.

But some nights when I do feel the fatigue setting in, a part of me still wishes to stay awake. Even when it’s during these unholy hours and I know I still have to wake up at 730 in the morning. Despite feeling drowsy, my mind still wants to stay awake. I still want to relish my remaining time of peace and silence. My special sanctuary that exists only within these afformentioned hours.

So yeah. It’s ironic. A couple of days ago, I couldn’t sleep and I badly needed AND wanted to. But on calm peaceful nights, I also know why I don’t want to. My mind refuses to. Time is passing me by and I really do enjoy these relaxing moments. Because I know a new day will soon start and a new day is another possibility for a bad day. But now– right now– exists the certainty of solemnity during these calm peaceful nights.

It might be insomnia. Sometimes I hate them. Sometimes it’s worth it. But damn, is it serene.

Tonight I sleep

There will come a day when I shut my eyes and it will be my last. When the darkness around me never lifts. When the future ceases to exist and I am greeted by eternity.

I don’t know what forever might hold. And there is a possibility that I will never know. Nothing will stimulate my senses.

People speak of the void, but no one can really explain what non-existence will be like. Being unborn, being dead, a dreamless sleep? Unlikely. It’s not even the color black. I’ll simply cease to exist.

There will come a day when I shut my eyes and it will be my last. I only hope that when that day comes, I will be at peace.

But tonight, I sleep. And maybe, … hopefully? There will still be a tomorrow. Until there isn’t.

The past few days, I’ve been living more inside my head. It’s been more surreal because sometimes the hallucinations are hard to distinguish. I know they’re halluciations only a few days after. I guess I should also note that I’ve been sick with dengue fever the past week which is why I’ve been hallucinating a lot.

When I am more in control of my thoughts however, it’s either I choose to reminisce peaceful days way before the pandemic. I miss going out and chilling with friends. Stressful days were present but were so easy to set aside back then. The problems I currently have still weren’t looming over my shoulders like they do today. Catchy songs on loop no natter what station I tune into. Thinking of what would be a fun way to end my night. Badminton? Volleyball? Vape shops? Sleepovers? Bingewatch? Food tripping? So many choices.

But this is a very toxic cycle. Most of the time I refrain from this activity. I don’t want toget caught up in the past. At the very least, I’m glad those memories exist. They happened. So if I’m not reminiscing, I prefer to daydream. I think about variety of events that may happen in the future. But that’s scary too. Sometimes I get too realistic and I start to worry about my shaky future. Til now I still don’t have a concrete goal for myself. I’m just…alive. and that’s all I can say.

And if I’m feeling extra nice to myself, I would fantasize about things that would never happen. Just to let myself smile at the thought of an impossibility. I realized recently that some days I have to let myself indulge in happy thoughts as well. Too much realism is bad. I mean, I’m already living in reality, might as well let myself smile sometimes when I daydream.

I’m still feeling lightheaded… I need to rest. I just hope I don’t hallucinate again. It feels bad sometimes. I can’t.

I’ve been having really weird dreams lately.

It’s been a week since I got sick. Dengue sucks.

I don’t frequently have dreams but today I had two very different and very odd dreams.

This morning I found myself in a grassland which looked like my school’s huge front yard. It’s a bit blurry now but I was initially chilling in a familiar spot and I vaguely remember some relatives from my mom’s side on a jeep for some reason. A little later I was travesing a narrow path with someone I can’t really remember. Then after a while, snakes started appearing on the path. But they weren’t just there, they were either hanging on something or tied to something. Usually they were restricted to a location and some were even “dead”. Then at one point, my “friend” tried hitting one that looked rotten and it snapped off whatever was suspending it. A small part of its body fell off, leaving the rest of it on the “pole” and suddenly it started snapping and moving towards us. I hopped over it but it was following albeit slowly. It wasn’t crawling but kind of just hopping or tumbling as it snapped after us. Again, this was supposedly dead based on how it looked. Then the next snakes we encountered were also starting to snap after us despite being restricted to their respective poles as this other one was tumbling after us. I hate being chssed in dreams because you always seem to be so slow and unable to fight back. That’s most of what I remember since I rarely keep track of my dreams.

Then this afternoon I felt really drowsy probably because I woke up early. So I had a long nap that was kind of broken into two since I woke up once. The second time I fell asleep, I found myself in a familiar bookstore-like botique (not unlike Jarir) but smaller. It looked like the ones in Qatar. And for the majority lf my dream I was just standing in one spot immersed in a book which kinda felt like the “Peculiar Children” series. When I was done reading, I found my mom at the corner of the store and she was surprised to see that I have been in the same spot all that time. I told her I was reading a novel and I think part of me wanted to buy it(?). I also noticed she was near some decorative fish (they looked alive) being sold one by one in packs. Weird I know. The packaging looked like the type you’d find scissors in. The asshole packaging that would require scissors to open when you’re buying scissors so that you can open that type of packaging. And they contained vibrangly colored angel fish(?).

So anyways, my mom and I spoke for a bit and it led to us talking about a very familiar topic. But this wasn’t a real life topic, it felt like it was a continued topic which happened in a dream I had years ago. That’s what it felt like at least since I vaguy having a similar dream long ago. We talked about an expensive egg being sold at a restaurant and she asked if wanted to try it. I refused since I somehow knew that the egg was expensive but didn’t offer any extra nutrition value compared to regular eggs. Then we were actually on the second floor landing where we can see from above of the restaurant, multiple big wok-like pans with chefs masterfully cooking pastas that used the aforementioned ingredients. It was like a fastfood-yet-fancy alfredo/carbonara. But the modt surprising part was that the restaurant was actually a Jollibee in Qatar which piqued my interest since it aas probably an overseas special-menu thing. Anyways, the dream ended shortly after.

Some days I am thankful.

I’m thankful for the experiences I’ve had, the friends I’ve made, and the blessings I received. Ultimately, (albeit ironically) I’m thankful for the person that the amalgamation of all these has made. I became who I am because of it all.

But some days I just pray for simpler times.

What would life be like if I wasn’t the way I am?

I feel overwhelmed again. I need to re-organize my thoughts.. ending this messily again.

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